New study, new fears

Posted by iKan2

Collected for in in order of occurrence is my tweetment of a new procedure I'm scheduled to undergo today. Just another chapter in my battle with Crohn's. this time their checking my esophagus and my stomach. Will Ulcerative Colitis is concentrated on the colon, Crohn's can affect any part of your digestive tract, so just to be sure we've got to check it all. Well here's what happened:

I've had hundreds of studies done, but for some reason, this one has me spooked. I guess because it's my first Superior Endoscopy.

A superior endoscopy, that's a pretty fancy name for shoving a tube down your throat, well at least there's no sadistic preparation required

I finished the check-in at the hospital, now "the wait." I talked with someone who's had this study done and I've been assured it's easy.

And with a big gulp, except for the part when you have to sort of swallow the tube, which seems a little barbaric, but hey that's medicine.

Somehow Metallica's "Broken, Beat, and Scarred" chorus "What don't kill ya, make you more strong" drifts into my head...I hope so.

Well they called me in and they already have the IV line in. I might not get another chance, so see you on the other side.

More waiting, waiting for a study room to become available. Waiting, with a little trepidation, as a hive's nest of activity buzzes around

Just had an exchange with the doctor who's going to do my study. We discussed my belief that all doctors should experience the studies first

He recommended a movie called "The Doctor." He commented that he would eliminate most diagnostic procedures, I wonder why?

I can see into the study rooms, and sometimes as a procedure is in progress, doctors will enter to watch "the show."

There's a gurgling sound coming from that one. I wonder what torture that guy's going through? He's finished now, should be my turn soon.

Returning to my happy place in preparation, taking slow deep breaths. Relax, it'll be over soon.

I was right, it is my turn. I'm all hooked up and ready to go. My heart beat echoes in my ears as my heart races a little bit.

Sitting here all alone. Soon a crowd will gather and other doctors will come and watch my show.

Except for gagging a couple times, the mask they strap onto your mouth, the drugs were nice. as always, just too short

Already done. It didn't seem as bad as I imagined, as I dreaded. They put me on my side and squirted some anesthetic gel into my mouth.

My throats a little bit sore, but otherwise just a little bit of the drugs left over as a reminder, no biggie.

Up out of the bed. Feeling fine. Sitting around waiting for the exit reactions by the doc and that should, be that

Seems like my nightmares were just my imagination getting the best of me. If I could just learn how to tap into that well of creativity...

You can't possibly know

Posted by iKan2

After you've given up
nearly your whole day serving
there's just not much left to give
in pursuit of anything else
But don't bother yourself
I'll get that
Sure, I understand
You "work"
and I don't
well at least not for money
An avalanche of ideas
piles up in my head
until they come
crashing through my dreams
in riddles so twisted
it's tough to know even
which way is up
I take the pills
I drink the preparations
in go the tubes
in go the needles
go to sleep
wake up
here stick this down your mouth
Have you noticed
how much your sleeping?
It's more than before
are you sleeping
to get away from your emotions?
You're fucking a right I am!
Call it a luxury
Call it my due
But when I'm sleepy
I sleep
It really doesn't go any deeper
Another new test
Will this be the standard test
That reveals the lurking
Ready to devour my life
or maybe
I'm just over-reacting
Maybe you would too
if I stuck a tube down your throat
I take the pills
but the sleep never comes
So I take more
until I can feel their pull
I know it's too many
but I just can't sleep.
Now of course
all of this
happens right
in plain sight
for all to see
Funny though
how so few do
What am I to think
when everything in my life
seems upside down
who knew
that I'd end up
doing dishes
for a living
The sweet comfort
of mediocrity
is a long lost dream
nothing to do but stare
at this screen
Just imagine
for moment
walking away
from all you studied
all of your experience
and then sentenced
to live in the shadows
of the commitments
you made
Too afraid to try
to break out of the monotony
Too afraid to threaten
the deal that's been stuck
Too weak to make real
what's haunted me for decades
Too weak to do
what's merely desired
always surrendering
to what's only needed
It's always, if only
I had this or had that
then it would all
fall into place
just another delusion
just another excuse
When will I learn?
When I settle?
When will I let go?
When will the truth
be revealed?

A new year, a new beginning?

Posted by iKan2

I've been feeling so good since my last Remicade treatment, that, I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. And I'm referring to myself of late, the last few years; no I'm actually feeling like I did 8 or 10 years ago. My energy level is great, I have a significantly better attitude, disposition, and energy level.

Oh how that would be a welcome relief. Now I've had a couple of cramping attacks, but they went away pretty quickly. Could I have finally reached a level of effectiveness for Remicade where my symptoms are greatly diminished? Oh if that were true, it would so wonderful. Well here's wishing everyone a healthy and symptom free new year!