Dealing with Crohn's

After you've given up
nearly your whole day serving
there's just not much left to give
in pursuit of anything else
But don't bother yourself
I'll get that
Sure, I understand
You "work"
and I don't
well at least not for money
An avalanche of ideas
piles up in my head
until they come
crashing through my dreams
in riddles so twisted
it's tough to know even
which way is up
I take the pills
I drink the preparations
in go the tubes
in go the needles
go to sleep
wake up
here stick this down your mouth
Have you noticed
how much your sleeping?
It's more than before
are you sleeping
to get away from your emotions?
You're fucking a right I am!
Call it a luxury
Call it my due
But when I'm sleepy
I sleep
It really doesn't go any deeper
Another new test
Will this be the standard test
That reveals the lurking
Cancer
Ready to devour my life
or maybe
I'm just over-reacting
Maybe you would too
if I stuck a tube down your throat
I take the pills
but the sleep never comes
So I take more
until I can feel their pull
I know it's too many
but I just can't sleep.
Now of course
all of this
happens right
in plain sight
for all to see
Funny though
how so few do
What am I to think
when everything in my life
seems upside down
who knew
that I'd end up
doing dishes
for a living
The sweet comfort
of mediocrity
is a long lost dream
nothing to do but stare
at this screen
Just imagine
for moment
walking away
from all you studied
all of your experience
and then sentenced
to live in the shadows
of the commitments
you made
Too afraid to try
to break out of the monotony
Too afraid to threaten
the deal that's been stuck
Too weak to make real
what's haunted me for decades
Too weak to do
what's merely desired
always surrendering
to what's only needed
It's always, if only
I had this or had that
then it would all
fall into place
just another delusion
just another excuse
When will I learn?
When I settle?
When will I let go?
When will the truth
be revealed?